The Death of My Mother a Learning Experience

My relationship with my Mother has never been easy. It always seemed that I could never do right in her eyes and I felt she always told me that she felt that way about me. This caused strain on my ability to feel self worth. I worked really hard trying to change our relationship dynamic. With no real change on her end I decided to cut ties with my Mother over 10 years ago and leave the ball in her court for when she could make some changes in how she treated me.

Shortly after Angie joined my life I got a phone call from my Mother's friends at church expressing some concern about her health and ability to care for herself. After seeing her continue to demonstrate her abusive behaviors with my sister I did not feel comfortable taking care of her directly. Andy and I decided that the timing was such that after selling our condo we could help to move my Mother into a board and care home and then move into her town home to pay her bills, clean things out and sell it while waiting for our new home to close. This was not an easy task as she was a little bit of a hoarder and the home was defiantly not suitable for a newly mobile baby. We made do and took care of things making funds available to support her financially from the sale of her town home.

My Mother did well in the board and care home and had many of her wonderful church friends helping her. After about a year her paranoia got worse, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disease on top of the cortical basal brain degeneration. She got to a point where she needed to be hospitalized because of her behavior. This happened on Memorial Day weekend. By the end of June I was getting a call from her doctor at the hospital saying she is no longer getting out of bed, eating or speaking. The doctor suggested we put her on hospice since her brain MRI showed the degeneration had gotten worse and her quality of life was very low with a poor prognosis.

Darby, Cameron and I decided to go to the hospital on June 30th to visit her. It was not an easy experience. She was in bed, moaning and thrashing. Occasionally she would fall asleep for a few minutes and then return to the moaning and thrashing. My anger and hurt from our difficult relationship melted away to having sympathy for this poor woman who had a difficult life and is now in pain and alone. We all expressed to her that we were sorry about the bad relationship we have had and our part in it. We also thanked her for all she had done and sacrificed in raising us. I told her that we would take care of her funeral and burial arrangements and that it was okay for her to go. She never really seemed to respond to us at that time. As Darby put it this was the first time she felt she could share her feelings without being yelled at in return from her. I also felt the same way. We spoke with the doctor and case manager and agreed to hospice. She was moved to Wells House Hospice that night.

I was having a difficult time dealing with my feelings of not being able to get closure from my Mom. I wanted to be able to forgive her and not have that on her shoulders or mine as she left this mortal world. I met with my Bishop at church on July 7th and was able to go home and study some scriptures, pray and feel the healing power of Christ's atonement. Not to say that I will never have a hard time thinking of these things again but I know where I can turn to have this burden lifted. I am so grateful for my Savior and his sacrifice for me so that I can feel healing, forgive and be forgiven.

Darby and Cameron had visited her at the hospice and we were all planning on going to visit her later on July 8th after Darby drove up from San Diego. I then got a call from the hospice at 7:10pm telling me that my Mother had passed away at 7:05pm. We never got a chance to visit with her that night. I started making the difficult calls to Darby, Cameron, my Mom's twin sister Susan and my Mom's church friends while Darby called my Mom's sister Barbara and Cameron called my Dad.

My feelings are mixed about her passing. She only lived to 57 years old! It is sad that she had such a difficult life even if much of it was caused by her own behavior. It is impossible for me to determine what behaviors were under her control now knowing the diseases she dealt with. It is so sad for her and her family members that she was not diagnosed or treated for these mental diseases until her last year of life. I can't help but wonder why the many professional counselors we met with growing up could not listen to us, see this and help us! I do need to accept that this is all in the past and there is nothing I can do about it now.

I am a little ashamed that I feel relieved that she has passed. Now I would not have any more abuse from her, I don't have to feel guilty that I was not directly taking care of her and I don't have to worry if her needs are being met.

I am grateful for knowing about the plan of salvation, Christ's life and atonement. I do not know why we have all had to go through this, however I have been able to see my Mother from the point of view my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ see her. She is a daughter of God, loved and Christ loved her so much that he paid for her sins and other pains endured in this life. She was watched out for from heaven, things just seemed to work out. It is a tender mercy that her state of being stuck in bed, unable to speak and eat was for such a short time. I can feel forgiveness for her and believe that she is in a place now where her mind can be more clear. I like to see her as being happy and relieved from her earthly burdens. It is still hard for me to see her as the loving Mother I wish she could be. I guess I still have some work to do but I have faith that there is healing through Christ's atonement.